GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
You Might Also Like
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
That’s a good costume, I hope.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year