“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
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[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
him: I like bad girls
me: [eating banana with peel on] I’m listening.
My new favorite headline
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
what if the Blair Witch was just lonely