@SJSchauer

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

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@KattsDogma

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

@pilau

[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body

@BraandoCommando

[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

@verywhitechedd

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

@suumbal

him: I like bad girls

me: [eating banana with peel on] I’m listening.

@TheHyyyype

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed