GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
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Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
mom had nothing to worry about
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.