@mikefossey

Guy: I’ll pay for my coffee and the guy behind me
Me: hi thanks can I get a large coffee with 85 espresso shots

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@SpokenDamsel

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

@UncleDuke1969

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

@FunnyBison

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

@Sickayduh

I’m glad the guy who came up with “No means no” didn’t do the whole dictionary

@Sanbel11

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

@jjhartinger

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

@NYC_Blonde

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

@OleThickHawk

My wife came into my room at the ER and started unplugging stuff and flipping switches until she realized that I had just sprained my ankle.