@mikefossey

Guy: I’ll pay for my coffee and the guy behind me
Me: hi thanks can I get a large coffee with 85 espresso shots

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@iwearaonesie

wife: I want a divorce
[uncomfortable silence]
everyone else at the party: Happy birthday to y-

@daemonic3

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

@CelebrityChez

I’m not afraid to admit that I’m not the sharpest elevator in the sea.

@semple42

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

@david8hughes

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

@longwall26

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ?????

@TheMichaelRock

If you hate yourself, just drink alcohol like an adult; there’s no need to vote for Trump.

@Canadian_Cutie_

I had to use a rotary phone to try to get concert tickets so don’t you tell me Ticket Master online is taking too long