Whoever came up with the slogan Diamonds are Forever, obviously never had herpes.
Guy: I’ll pay for my coffee and the guy behind me
Me: hi thanks can I get a large coffee with 85 espresso shots
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Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
Concept: The Purge but it’s 24 hours where retail workers are as rude as they want
“Do u have a bathroom?”
“No we shit outside like bears”
DATING TIP: You never want to seem too easy! So set up a date and never show up.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.