Guy: I’ll pay for my coffee and the guy behind me
Me: hi thanks can I get a large coffee with 85 espresso shots

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This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.


“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”


[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?


DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.


I’m glad the guy who came up with “No means no” didn’t do the whole dictionary


Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?


A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.


I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.


My wife came into my room at the ER and started unplugging stuff and flipping switches until she realized that I had just sprained my ankle.