wife: I want a divorce
everyone else at the party: Happy birthday to y-
Guy: I’ll pay for my coffee and the guy behind me
Me: hi thanks can I get a large coffee with 85 espresso shots
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Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I’m not afraid to admit that I’m not the sharpest elevator in the sea.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ?????
If you hate yourself, just drink alcohol like an adult; there’s no need to vote for Trump.
I had to use a rotary phone to try to get concert tickets so don’t you tell me Ticket Master online is taking too long