Guy: I’ll pay for my coffee and the guy behind me
Me: hi thanks can I get a large coffee with 85 espresso shots

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Whoever came up with the slogan Diamonds are Forever, obviously never had herpes.


Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?


Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.


Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.


[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what


They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.


Concept: The Purge but it’s 24 hours where retail workers are as rude as they want

“Do u have a bathroom?”
“No we shit outside like bears”


DATING TIP: You never want to seem too easy! So set up a date and never show up.


My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.