Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
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#CoronaOutbreak
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?