@fro_vo

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

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@KeetPotato

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

@PleaseBeGneiss

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

@noog

After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.

@Parkerlawyer

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

@SonoLibero_8

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

@EndhooS

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

@MissHavisham

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

@Adar79Angie

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.