It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
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billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”
*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.