Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
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“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef