[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
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Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
The French cow says MEUX…
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.