Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
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there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!