Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
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I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Thursday
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no