[guy inventing Captain Crunch]

Hear me out, they’re razor blades, but they’re delicious.

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Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing


A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge


When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.


when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.


Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.


Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different


“I sure hope Pitbull and Nicky Minaj do an album together!” – said no one ever.


ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist