@T_Bonezzz_

[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]

[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!

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@AlexRogaski

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

@RocketRankoon

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

@Almighty_Smoot

Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool

@Vodkantots

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?
Me: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Cop: You’re free to go.

@fro_vo

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore

@goldengateblond

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

@just1fool

If you’re looking for someone to tell you what to do in the bedroom I’m pretty good at instructing on how to install window blinds.

@3sunzzz

No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

@NoogsCorner

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.