[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
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spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Traveler’s camo
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.