[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
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Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
What the dentist sees
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.