*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
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I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
sounds kinky. i’m in.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack