Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:

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My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.


Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!


“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers


Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]

Me: *[Types in]


Sex so good, you get out of bed to see which neighbor is having it.


We should’ve cremated Michael Jackson in case of the zombie apocalypse or else people will think they’re part of a Thriller flash mob


My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.


Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.


The key to any successful relationship is to prevent your partner from being carried away by a large bird