@SlipperySecret

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

You Might Also Like

@SadMeterologist

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

@trustedshoe

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

@LackOfShame

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

@Book_Krazy

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

@realHamOnWry

Sex so good, you get out of bed to see which neighbor is having it.

@Mr_Kapowski

We should’ve cremated Michael Jackson in case of the zombie apocalypse or else people will think they’re part of a Thriller flash mob

@MomOnFire

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

@AimeeHelene1

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

@mindflakes

The key to any successful relationship is to prevent your partner from being carried away by a large bird