Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
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The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.