Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
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If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Tony Hawk, age 6
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.