guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
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When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
A dad and his duck
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.