@Shen_the_Bird

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

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@Ivsy01

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

@rcromwell4

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

@Social_Mime

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

@clindsaysway

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

@KeetPotato

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

@Jeffwni

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

@suziqkelley

The past, the present & the future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

@bourgeoisalien

In lieu of kissing a stranger at midnight on new year’s eve, throat punch them instead. let’s send a clear message to 2018 we’re done taking this shit

@DrDogMD

DR DOG: have you been taking your diabetes meds daily?
PATIENT: no
DR DOG: *hits him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper* Bad patient!