Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
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Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
The past, the present & the future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
In lieu of kissing a stranger at midnight on new year’s eve, throat punch them instead. let’s send a clear message to 2018 we’re done taking this shit
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
DR DOG: have you been taking your diabetes meds daily?
DR DOG: *hits him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper* Bad patient!