guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
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[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
hackers play passwordle
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .