@continentlbkfst

guy: man this water is warm

extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh

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@huntigula

Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”

@robfromonline

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

@Swishergirl24

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

@lisaxy424

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore

@Marlebean

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

@mccormick_ted

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

@djdarrellripley

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

@OzCricketFan81

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool