guy: man this water is warm

extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh

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Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”


her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon


If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.


today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore


Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter


Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting


After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..


Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool