guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
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Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.