Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
You Might Also Like
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Batman v Dracula
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
lol
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me: