GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
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Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
my dad has had enough
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume