Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
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:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.