@squirrel74wkgn

[guy next to me at urinal]

“Is that a 5 or 6?”

…about 5-1/2 I guess.

“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”

*zips up* No.

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@polychromatik

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

@Be___Dope

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

@HatfieldAnne

You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.

@smeagolsfree

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

@KielyHealey

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

@mortimermaiden

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

@Tmoney68

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

@michel_lesann

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.