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I got audibly prayed at by a woman clutching her crucifix necklace in the queue at Flying Tiger, whilst I was buying some black candles. I think it’s safe to say the cape is working.


People have underestimated me my entire life, and they’ve been wrong on like two of those days.


My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.


I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.


My grandmother reads obituary column in the newspaper everyday. It is pretty much like searching for your childhood friends on Facebook.


Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics


When I was little I wanted to be a writer when I grew up.

*looks around* I guess I should have been more specific.


Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.


I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up