@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

You Might Also Like

@vonny_bravo

I got audibly prayed at by a woman clutching her crucifix necklace in the queue at Flying Tiger, whilst I was buying some black candles. I think it’s safe to say the cape is working.

@TheDailySchmuck

People have underestimated me my entire life, and they’ve been wrong on like two of those days.

@MamaFizzles

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.

@HatfieldAnne

I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.

@TheFraudMallu

My grandmother reads obituary column in the newspaper everyday. It is pretty much like searching for your childhood friends on Facebook.

@birbigs

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

@theroyaltramp

When I was little I wanted to be a writer when I grew up.

*looks around* I guess I should have been more specific.

@iAmJuddy

Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.

@Kirangandhi

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up