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“She’s dead to me” is not the best ending to a eulogy, I know this now.


Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me


I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.


“you’re breaking up with me, here? and now?!”
“it’s just not working out”
*both continue pedaling tandem bicycle in silence*


You’ll catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar.

Also a rotting corpse will work. Or poop. Lots of ways to attract flies.


if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.


I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.


I don’t understand why some snacks are “fun-sized”, there’s really nothing “fun” about having a smaller portion of food.


Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird