@vodkanopants

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

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@donni

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

@karanbirtinna

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

@HRTSMRT

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

@SteevUmc

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

@PanicRestroom

It’s like grandma always said…
In a car with a sunroof, you have more room for your legs

@PFTompkins

Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

@GaryJanetti

A new study shows body-image issues start as young as 3. How awful. That means 2-year-olds with gross bodies think they look okay.

@tweetsvisual

I like a good strong woman. But I prefer them not to be named Olga and bench press me in front of my friends.

@LeslieInMpls

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.