Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
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You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
? 💀
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?