I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
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Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
It’s like grandma always said…
In a car with a sunroof, you have more room for your legs
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Some people need Rosetta Stone for Sarcasm
A new study shows body-image issues start as young as 3. How awful. That means 2-year-olds with gross bodies think they look okay.
I like a good strong woman. But I prefer them not to be named Olga and bench press me in front of my friends.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.