Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
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My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?