*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Guy on grindr was called farm boy so I messaged saying it’s pasture bedtime and he blocked me
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Just found some clothes my ex left here.
Perfect timing since I’m out of toilet paper.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Having sex in the 90s was scratchy due to all the flannel.
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]