@liamantt

Guy on grindr was called farm boy so I messaged saying it’s pasture bedtime and he blocked me

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@MouthOfSass

Just found some clothes my ex left here.
Perfect timing since I’m out of toilet paper.

@PleaseBeGneiss

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

@CruisinSoozan

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

@julezmac

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

@ericsshadow

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

@PickleRudd

[Being murdered]

Me: You’re stabbing wrong

Murderer:

Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work

[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]