@liamantt

Guy on grindr was called farm boy so I messaged saying it’s pasture bedtime and he blocked me

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@UnFitz

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

@SouthrnPinUpMom

Moms get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum…

@HatfieldAnne

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

@patrickoriley

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

@sreekyshooter

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

@SortaBad

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

@longwall26

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

@notalogin

The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan