[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
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14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake