Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
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My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full