*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
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My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…