@Jandalize
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
@SonOfCha
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
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@Jandalize
@DanMentos
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
@TheTweetOfGod
It’s weird for Me not having a Pope. I feel like Burns without Smithers.
@WigCannon
Do you know why I pulled you over?
“Yes, because I was driving a motorized toilet.”
I meant this time
“Oh. No.”
Please step out of the oven.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:12:”lilgapeach30″;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3529105583/bc5c0d35511cba165b39e5feb01cf6b5_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”324965949398712322″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”52″;s:5:”tweet”;s:132:”Think I’m gonna use. random punctuation? in all my tweets from now on! You know-test the e card creators! and tweet thief’s grammar:”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}
@KeetPotato
[my 1st day as crime scene investigator]
detective: “how did this man drown?”
me: “he could not breathe underwater”
@Token_Geezer
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
@BoomBoomBetty
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
@Home_Halfway
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP