@SonOfCha

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

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@Jandalize

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.

@DanMentos

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

@TheTweetOfGod

It’s weird for Me not having a Pope. I feel like Burns without Smithers.

@WigCannon

Do you know why I pulled you over?
“Yes, because I was driving a motorized toilet.”
I meant this time
“Oh. No.”
Please step out of the oven.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:12:”lilgapeach30″;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3529105583/bc5c0d35511cba165b39e5feb01cf6b5_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”324965949398712322″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”52″;s:5:”tweet”;s:132:”Think I’m gonna use. random punctuation? in all my tweets from now on! You know-test the e card creators! and tweet thief’s grammar:”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@KeetPotato

[my 1st day as crime scene investigator]
detective: “how did this man drown?”
me: “he could not breathe underwater”

@Token_Geezer

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

@BoomBoomBetty

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

@Home_Halfway

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP