[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
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Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.