[ATM, with a line of people behind me]
Me: *turns around* Sorry, forgot my PIN. How does that song go? 867 and then what?
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
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Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
me: i’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
cop: again, the police dog is not an officer
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Ok, but like, how married are you?