@kenchengcomedy

[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]

Me: how many am I allowed

Guy: just one

Me: we’ll see

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@Mr_Kapowski

[ATM, with a line of people behind me]

Me: *turns around* Sorry, forgot my PIN. How does that song go? 867 and then what?

@SimplySnaccbar

Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.

@daemonic3

[interrogation room]

me: i’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

cop: again, the police dog is not an officer

@Vice_Queen

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

@chopper4jk

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

@Book_Krazy

Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males

@MichaelTrying

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

@Ygrene

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks