date: wanna try some of my cheesecake?
me: no thanks, i don’t eat dairy
date: are you lactose intolerant?
me, terrified my skeleton will become too strong and escape: haha yeah that’s it
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
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Men fear me and women want me in the shower, both because of the lice
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Getting a woman:
1.Select the woman u like
2. Lick her face
3. She is now yours take her home
I’ve been arrested 10 times
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!