@ReelQuinn

Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion

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@tiemoose

date: wanna try some of my cheesecake?

me: no thanks, i don’t eat dairy

date: are you lactose intolerant?

me, terrified my skeleton will become too strong and escape: haha yeah that’s it

@panmidwest

wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks, you look good too.

@kiralc

explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”

@JohnnyCrash5

Getting a woman:

1.Select the woman u like
2. Lick her face
3. She is now yours take her home

HAHAHAHAHAHA

I’ve been arrested 10 times

@aotakeo

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

@ThisOneSayz

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

@DanKCharnley

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

@VerifiedDrunk

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!