Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
You Might Also Like
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
This classic never gets old . . .
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Don’t touch that.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’