Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
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When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Two types of dogs.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.