Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
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I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I’m already scared
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic