GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
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Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Monday
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.