Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
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One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.