I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
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I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps