@onion_an

Guy: [pulls out knife]

Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel

Guy: [stabs me]

Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash

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@DeadLioness

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

@Brettagher

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

@benpershing

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

@spanishbarbzz

put a net in the car so my dog wouldn’t distract me while driving 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

@JohnBirmingham

Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.

@FredTaming

milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend

@eddiepepitone

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

@GimmieTheHam

My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!

Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!

@Cravin4

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

@OctopusCaveman

Me: Remember when Rodney King got beat up and everyone had that weird party in LA?

Jill: It was a riot.

Me: It wasn’t funny Jill.