A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
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Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
put a net in the car so my dog wouldn’t distract me while driving 🤦🏻♀️😂
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Me: Remember when Rodney King got beat up and everyone had that weird party in LA?
Jill: It was a riot.
Me: It wasn’t funny Jill.