@brynnester

Guy: *reading my astronomy magazine over my shoulder on the train* What’s your favourite kind of space?

Me: Personal

You Might Also Like

@momjeansplease

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

@MotivationalBkr

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

@squirrel74wkgn

A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.

@Rollinintheseat

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

@JohnHilsen

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

@sirchutney

“Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Wally, Not Wally…” Where’s Wally Audiobook

@malcolmsramsay

Me: I BELIEVE SCIENCE

Science: please just don’t use your phone right before bed and right after waking up, it’s literally destroying your circadian rhythm

Me: no

@XplodingUnicorn

I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.

It was called Dungeons and Dragons.