(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
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Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Plumber: I think I found the problem
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah