i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
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When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!
[After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
McDonalds should have a 3rd window where you can trade in the wrong stuff that they gave you at the 2nd window.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
him: hey have you ever seen house
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED
Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.