@KentWGraham

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.

@flashember

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

@AndyAsAdjective

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.

@SardonicTart

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

@MUMSIEesq

3YO: Why do I have to share a room with my twin sister?
ME: Because we only anticipated having one of you.

@AimeeHelene1

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

@sonictyrant

[my first police chase]

me: *into walkie talkie* I’m trailing the perp on foot, Chads Gym on Broadway

suspect: *looks over shoulder* only one person per treadmill

me: *into walkie talkie* sorry Keith i lost him

@Ndeshi_M

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

@Not0nDrugs

Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.