@KentWGraham

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

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@bumdog7

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.

@rzarosco

Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they’ve seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make the introductions

@Darlainky

If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I?T? D?O?E?S? T?O?O? T?A?S?T?E? L?I?K?E? B?E?E?R?? money.

@DaddyJew

relationships are fun if you like being yelled at for facing the wrong direction while you sleep

@primawesome

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

@TheBoydP

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.