ME (calling my horse with no name):
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
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I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they’ve seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make the introductions
I bet black unicorns have the biggest horns.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I?T? D?O?E?S? T?O?O? T?A?S?T?E? L?I?K?E? B?E?E?R?? money.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
relationships are fun if you like being yelled at for facing the wrong direction while you sleep
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.