*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
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Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel