Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

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– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.


You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house


Vanilla body wash…. smells amazing…. tastes like shit. Someone needs to figure that out.


Not sure why this lady looked so shocked when I whispered, “LIAR!” into her ear after I watched her type “lol”.

She did NOT lol.


Legal Twitter: I’m dressed in a black suit outside a restaurant waiting for a friend and a curmudgeonly gentleman pulls his sports car into the driveway. While walking past, he dismissively looks at me and barks “Key’s in it.”

The Porsche is now mine, right?


*Blows air in girls face like Nintendo cartridge*
“Ok, NOW will you go out with me?”


Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.