[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
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– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Vanilla body wash…. smells amazing…. tastes like shit. Someone needs to figure that out.
You’re the she to my nanigans.
Not sure why this lady looked so shocked when I whispered, “LIAR!” into her ear after I watched her type “lol”.
She did NOT lol.
Legal Twitter: I’m dressed in a black suit outside a restaurant waiting for a friend and a curmudgeonly gentleman pulls his sports car into the driveway. While walking past, he dismissively looks at me and barks “Key’s in it.”
The Porsche is now mine, right?
*Blows air in girls face like Nintendo cartridge*
“Ok, NOW will you go out with me?”
Spoiler alert: 2013 sucks too.
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.