Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
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Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.