@ThatLibrary
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
@ninatreemonkey
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
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@ThatLibrary
@pauvrelapinou
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
@GorillaNipples1
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
@coolandbreezey
My guardian angel deserves a raise
@simoncholland
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
@WilliamAder
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
@skedaddle74
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
@Playing_Dad
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
@CYComedy
Is anybody else having trouble logging into my wife’s Facebook account?
@ObscureGent
Is it weird to think about naming my next cat Batman during sex?
Sir, I just serve coffee here. But no, it’s not weird. It’s fantastic!