@ninatreemonkey

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

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@ThatLibrary

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

@pauvrelapinou

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

@GorillaNipples1

Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.

@simoncholland

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

@WilliamAder

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

@skedaddle74

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

@Playing_Dad

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

@CYComedy

Is anybody else having trouble logging into my wife’s Facebook account?

@ObscureGent

Is it weird to think about naming my next cat Batman during sex?

Sir, I just serve coffee here. But no, it’s not weird. It’s fantastic!