Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
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{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Saturday
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!