Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

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Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*


Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer


Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.


The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.


Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.


The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.


Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.


Is anybody else having trouble logging into my wife’s Facebook account?


Is it weird to think about naming my next cat Batman during sex?

Sir, I just serve coffee here. But no, it’s not weird. It’s fantastic!