GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
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Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
#ProTip
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.