GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

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No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.


Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce


Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom


Kids having the best time ever sound exactly the same as kids being axe-murdered.


Me: *Rubbing Chin* Why am I always hungry 30 mins after I eat Chinese food?
Chin: [pushing my hand away}I dunno man I just deliver the food.


*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.


Never ask me “Who hurt you?” unless you want to sit through a 13 hour PowerPoint presentation.


moron: “duhh, i hate taco bell, every time i go there i get diarrhea”
me: try getting tacos instead, genius


Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …