@KeetPotato

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

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@mommajessiec

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Dada!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Papa!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.

Me: This is bullshit.

Baby: This is bullshit.

@rachelle_mandik

the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all

@myonlymizztake

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

@TheCatWhisprer

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

@Underchilde

I like long walks on the beach and lying about being married.

@Schmoodles

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

@Jesssicle

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

@StellaRtwot

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

@sammyrhodes

I would walk 500 miles just to be the man who gets to eat these donuts.