You’ve got to be twins. You’re too stupid to be one person.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
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My 4yo just said “Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media? Isn’t it just inherently dishonest & indicative of an inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves?”
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: no thank you.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
If a baby like Justin Bieber is the face of teen angst and rebellion, then we’ve bubble wrapped our kids too tight.
I texted my wife with “ROTFHAHA” & she replied with “LMAO” so I don’t think she understands that I’m having a heart attack.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally