guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
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I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Fixed this for Shakespeare
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
the simulation is moving too fast
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I get distracted pretty eas
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment