@KeetPotato

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

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@HeyZeus666

You’ve got to be twins. You’re too stupid to be one person.

@Cain_Unable

My 4yo just said “Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media? Isn’t it just inherently dishonest & indicative of an inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves?”

@shawnries

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

@hollyberryness

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

@daddydoubts

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

@momTruthBomb

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

@HeyZeus666

If a baby like Justin Bieber is the face of teen angst and rebellion, then we’ve bubble wrapped our kids too tight.

@Brianhopecomedy

I texted my wife with “ROTFHAHA” & she replied with “LMAO” so I don’t think she understands that I’m having a heart attack.