guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

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Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Dada!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Papa!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.

Me: This is bullshit.

Baby: This is bullshit.


the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all


[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30


Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.


I like long walks on the beach and lying about being married.


My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.


Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.


6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.


I would walk 500 miles just to be the man who gets to eat these donuts.