What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
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You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
what’s really going on
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Is this you?
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.