Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

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I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?


I walked a girl down into the dark woods. She said it’s very scary. I said how do you think i feel i have to walk back alone..


I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.


I guess it’s not socially acceptable to put my hand in the shape of a gun into my mouth in the middle of a conversation.


Some people are shocked when they find out I have a degree from Harvard. It’s not my degree, found it at a yard sale. But still, I have it.


My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run


Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY


driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself


Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.


it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something