@215potter

Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

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@Jenny4ashley

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

@TheToxicWaster

I walked a girl down into the dark woods. She said it’s very scary. I said how do you think i feel i have to walk back alone..

@Cheeseboy22

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

@blasphe_me

I guess it’s not socially acceptable to put my hand in the shape of a gun into my mouth in the middle of a conversation.

@bourgeoisalien

Some people are shocked when they find out I have a degree from Harvard. It’s not my degree, found it at a yard sale. But still, I have it.

@PetrickSara

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

@DurtMcHurtt

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

@Beatonm5

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

@IDontSpeakWhine

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

@mostlysharks

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something