@HotSnuff

Guy told me I have “Bambi eyes”…is that even a compliment? Oh god, please don’t shoot my mother.

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@bonehugsnirony

me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?

@IamJackBoot

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

@SconesMortensen

“You a cop?”

UNDERCOVER COP: No.

“So you wouldn’t mind if I … threw these donuts away?”

UC: *sweats profusely*

@RappaRick

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule

@gfishandnuggets

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

@UnfilteredMama

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

@thenatewolf

ME: the internet used to come in through the phone. It made a terrible noise, like robots screaming.

GRANDSON: hush grandpa take your pills

@liv_thatsme

If I get nervous for a date, I just imagine the guy in his underpants, sitting on my couch for the next 40 years, & suddenly I’m annoyed

@ugh

men: women are very hard to read
women: actually, we just want-
men: such complex creatures
women: if u just liste-
men: so mysterious