*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
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Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor