me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Guy told me I have “Bambi eyes”…is that even a compliment? Oh god, please don’t shoot my mother.
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Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
My husband hates it when I ask other men to marry me.
“You a cop?”
UNDERCOVER COP: No.
“So you wouldn’t mind if I … threw these donuts away?”
UC: *sweats profusely*
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
ME: the internet used to come in through the phone. It made a terrible noise, like robots screaming.
GRANDSON: hush grandpa take your pills
If I get nervous for a date, I just imagine the guy in his underpants, sitting on my couch for the next 40 years, & suddenly I’m annoyed
men: women are very hard to read
women: actually, we just want-
men: such complex creatures
women: if u just liste-
men: so mysterious