Not tryin to impress anyone BUT the priest did just say I had the “body of Christ” right before he fed me a cracker. Gym has been paying off
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
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HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder?
Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Struggle is real