GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
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If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
This fish is cracking me up