@QwertyJones3

GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!

ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.

DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!

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@CarolinaSong

Not tryin to impress anyone BUT the priest did just say I had the “body of Christ” right before he fed me a cracker. Gym has been paying off

@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

@TheBoydP

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

@ABurgerADay

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

@doktorj

Me: “Can you go back four slides?”

Bride: “To the wedding dress?”

Me: “No, the cheese plate.”

Me: Wipes tears.

@ThaJawn

Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder?

Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..

@carboncaitlin

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit